by Anne Utterback | Jun 12, 2018 | Blogging, God's Whisper, Life, Marriage
There are things, lies, that replay in my head, unfortunately some are not positive. I need to change this. This is not the way God wants us to live. He sees us as amazing humans that He created for a purpose.
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10
This verse should be on the forefront not the negative lies I tell myself. I want to reveal these lies and call them, so they no longer have a hold on me.
Lie #1 – You are not loved.
This one gets loud when I withdraw. I don’t always withdraw for negative reasons. Sometimes I try to get organized or I have a project at work that needs my extra time and attention. I then get tired and just want to veg or rest. So, my family respects my wishes, but then I start the scenario of thinking they are happy without me, they don’t need or want me around.
I begin to create fantasy conversations of how my husband would rather be with someone older, younger, smarter, prettier and so on. Really just someone different so therefore he doesn’t love me. Why would he love me? I have nothing to offer, contribute little financially, get angry over silly things, don’t want to cook every night, and never make him breakfast or lunch during the week. No one would even notice if I walked out the door and never returned. This is a ginormous lie!
Lie #2 – You are not good enough.
I have a math degree. I am smart but, yet I feel inadequate when it comes to writing. Doing research and reading on all kinds of topics is a passion. And yet feel that I have nothing to add. That I am not worthy of being a leader. I like leading. I feel comfortable in leadership positions. Yet I feel unworthy. Just not enough. I am constantly beating myself up on whether I am educating my children right. Did I fail them by not putting them in sports? A multitude of little lies that wear me down.
Lie #3 – You are not physically attractive.
I have gained some weight since we got married. I hate my hair. Since having children, one child gave me partially curly hair with random thickness. My hair takes forever to grow since the second child. We also live in a very cloudy grey area, so my hair has gotten darker. It needs sun. My teeth have never been straight. Brown spots started showing up on my face in my 20’s. However, there is no interest in coloring my hair or buying beauty products that cost a lot of money in hopes they might work. I really think this is a waste of time and money. I believe in the natural look as well as my husband. And yet, I don’t feel like I measure up. I look around and think I can’t even compete. So why do I compare myself to others?
These are all lies.
I know that I am loved, am good enough and physically attractive. I must fight the lies by shouting the truth louder than the lies. It is a battle. But this is one that I am determined to win. I find when we think of ourselves in a negative light all the time it can be as detrimental as being overly confident. Why? Because I am focusing on me, whether positively or negatively. When my focus is on me, my focus is wrong. My eyes will be turned to God and God alone. He loves me, knows I am amazing and created me beautifully.
O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. Psalm 139:1-2
I love this. This is the reminder of God’s love that I need to turn to. Here is where my focus will go. God examines our entire being. He knows me and you through and through, and yet His love grows deeper and wider. He knows these thoughts, these lies. God speaks truth and love.
by Anne Utterback | Mar 24, 2018 | Blogging, God's Whisper, Life, Marriage
I have the ability to be at ease and sleep well, as long as my husband is laying next to me. Even when he snores and I have to wear my earplugs. However, a few years ago I was put to the test.
Scott was going to be gone for a month on a mission trip and he added a little site seeing time as well. He had been gone before, but this was his longest trip. Also, I was going to be home by myself with our two boys for the entire time. I usually would coordinate my trips to see my family with his. This made the time go by faster and it was much easier to be apart.
But this time it was in May and I was working full-time. I was not able to get away. It was the 2nd or 3rd night and I was laying in our king size bed alone. I couldn’t sleep. Every noise would, my eyes opened and ears perked up. I would then create scenarios as to what was creating this unusual sound. I would slowly get up. Tip-toe around the house. Locate this new strange noise. Only to discover it was not new or strange. Crawl back in bed and repeat. I knew I wouldn’t be able to function this way for long, especially with on no sleep. I would start to get grumpy.
Then I heard God speak to me, “Annie, who protects you?”
“You do.” I responded.
He replied, “I am the One who protects you. There will be a time when Scott is not going to be there. But I will always be there. I am your all in all. I am your protector.”
He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. Psalm 23:2
I slept great. There have been nights when I need to remind myself of that moment. The doubts start to creep in. The fear can be overwhelming, but God is there.
I also began to think about how many years I lived alone. I slept before I met Scott. There are times when we put unrealistic expectations on our spouses. They are not God. They are not going to fix everything. When we put godly expectations on humans, they disappoint us. Does this mean ‘bad things’ will never happen? No. But what I do know is that God is my Protector. He is in control always. He is not surprised by anything.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. Psalm 23:4
We say how great our faith is, yet we don’t sleep at night? Really? Do we not see the contradiction? I am guessing that most people slept before they were married? Just a guess, so why has it suddenly changed? Yes, there are moments that can create worry: job, living in a bad neighborhood, people have gone crazy, kids not at home, watching the news, waiting for test results, finances, etc.
“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew 6:34
Worry adds an entirely new twist to sleeplessness. This was about fear and conquering that fear when my husband is not home. But don’t worry, I will discuss worry another day …
Can you sleep when your spouse is not home? Do they work nights? Are they frequent travelers? Get some sleep beautiful. God’s got you! He is the Protector.
by Anne Utterback | Aug 3, 2016 | Marriage
The best words my husband could possibly say …
“You are not a mess,” is what my husband said to me last night. I had so many feelings of emptiness. The kind of empty when I feel nothing but it becomes sadness, anger, grief, just ickyness. (Side note: I have a math degree so I will on occasion create words.) So yes, ickyness. My children asked what was wrong, but I had reached a point that there was no real answer. It was an accumulation of things. I was trying to navigate all this icky stuff on my own, but wasn’t processing. Thoughts kept going round and round. They bounced from one to the next and back again, like monkeys in trees. I had become emotionally exhausted.
Scott tucked the boys in, and I crawled into bed. He held me, snuggled me and loved me. I wept, sobbed, and tried to hold it back and stop. He said, “Don’t hold back.” He held me tighter, and I wept. It wasn’t pretty. I finally uttered the words, “Why am I such a mess?” And he spoke those beautiful words that affirmed me, “You are not a mess.” He said many other great and encouraging words but that simple sentence gave me peace. He accepted me even in the ugly and held on. Scott never questioned nor did he hesitate. He loved me.
God’s love is bigger …
I began to reflect on God’s love. There have been other times in our marriage that I desired to be held by Scott, and it didn’t happen. Of course there are a myriad of reasons but that is not the point. My reflection is that every time I feel the emptiness, God is holding on. He held me during the death of my sister Kelly, when we had to close a business, move to a new state, pending test results and career changes.
God holds on just as tight when all feels good too. He is holding on when I am laughing and feeling joy. He is holding on while I give birth, when I’m watching TV, baking cookies, cooking dinner, taking a walk, playing a game with my boys, home schooling and even when I sleep. God always has a grip on me. “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” That is His promise. Scott exemplified that promise in the earthly form to me last night. I am truly blessed. I have a God that will never leave me nor forsake me, and a husband who will walk alongside me in the journey.
… he will never leave you nor forsake you … Deuteronomy 31:8
Do you believe that you are a mess?
Let me encourage you, that you are not a mess, not even a hot mess. This phrase gets used a lot. It can be funny. But let me assure you to not hold onto that belief as an identity. We all have moments that resemble this. The every day tasks of getting kids to school, making appointments, game times, dinner, performances, grocery shopping, homework, and house cleaning can create the feeling of being a chaotic mess.
God wants you to know that you are loved. He is watching every step in the chaos and the peaceful moments.
