by Anne Utterback | Jan 27, 2018 | God's Whisper
Studying some parables …
I have been researching and writing a study on the Book of Mark which contains parables. This was my first study into one of the gospels. Not the first time I studied the gospels, but my first time writing the study. It is a completely different experience. God throws many challenges at me during these times of study, and I always come out stronger. The ‘during’ part can be a bit frustrating at times. He drives me to find the truth within me not just His Word. It is a painful pruning experience and sometimes I look a little tattered in the process. Have you looked at a rose bush that has been pruned? It can look scraggly and unhealthy to the untrained eye.
God’s best work …
This is when God does some of His best work. Right now I am looking bare, sick and worn by a storm. But I am not. I know at the end I will be stronger. Right now I have started Chapter 4. This chapter is filled with Parables. I have not been a fan of Parables. I want a list of do’s and don’t’s please. Not a story about seed, lamps, soil and more seed. It is filled with a lot of red too. Red means Jesus is talking…in Parables. He is challenging me. The first Parable is of the four soils. Verse 4:20 “Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop – thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown.”
That’s what I want, to produce a crop for Jesus. I must however soften my heart to allow the seed to grow. I need to constantly cultivate my heart to keep it as good soil. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes constant care. In Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Guard your heart to ensure that is remains good soil. Don’t harden your heart with bitterness, regret, anger and sin. Keep it pliable.
So how am I going to keep it pliable?
I am reading the one year bible this year. However I am not current. It is Jan 12. I am behind already. But, I am learning, studying, and praying. I want to be good soil. It doesn’t just happen, at least not for me. I sin. I am lazy. But I also repent. I forgive. I extend grace and receive grace. God is doing amazing work. I know looking around the world and reading social media aka the news, it looks pretty drab. But God is in control. Allow Him to guide you in keeping your heart good soil, so you can produce a crop for Jesus.
by Anne Utterback | Jan 19, 2018 | God's Whisper
Not an actress …
I recently had to memorize a skit as the ‘credible host’ for our children’s mid-week fun night. I was able to remember the key points and the gist of the rest. There was a lot of improvisation going on. Brutal. I was not comfortable. It wasn’t being on stage, using a microphone (that is a hurdle I have finally jumped over) or being in the spotlight or that all the other actors did an amazing job. I am not an actress. It is simple.
I cannot become another character. I have tried to cover my hurts, hang-ups, embarrassments and anything that would damage my pride with masks for years, since childhood. Pretending all was good, I could handle anything, no worries. This was not true. There have been so many hurts that all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and hide. Hide for days. I apparently became really good at it. Then one day it changed. I couldn’t do it anymore, no more hiding. I wanted to be free. Being honest with my experiences and feelings began to be my new anthem.
A new discovery …
This new discovery for me was difficult for others. I was beginning to share these hurts that I had hidden for so long. It took people off guard. It was uncomfortable for them. They didn’t want to hear the truth behind the hurt. The truth was too real. I had been living the truth for a long time. I still live with the truth, but it’s different now. It doesn’t define me.
When I began healing and shedding light on the dark areas of my past hurts, a beautiful transformation began to happen. I wasn’t afraid to go out at night alone. The shades were pulled open. I not only unlocked my windows but allowed fresh air in. It was amazing.
When people ask about my past, there are times I share some of the hurts. I see the discomfort in them. The looks on their faces are all too telling. I can share without much emotion. It’s not because it wasn’t painful; it is because there is freedom. So yes I am no actress but I am free. Free to be honest and to walk without a mask.
Psalm 119:45, “I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments.” I find my identity in God, not in people’s opinions. There are times that I fail at this. There are times when I feel knocked down, but I do not put the mask back on. I can’t. It is uncomfortable. It no longer fits. I have outgrown the mask.
by Anne Utterback | Jan 13, 2018 | God's Whisper
Be brave …
Being brave was not natural for me. I was more of the cautious child. I wanted to know that I could succeed before I tried. But I have learned over the years, that you will not get very far if you don’t try. Years ago I was challenged to be brave.
I had gone to a Women’s retreat reunion. The format for the next retreat would be to have the women from our church do the speaking. I volunteered. I felt a God whisper. He was whispering “be brave.” So I knew it was time to share my story or at least part of it. I had a mentor. Her name was Donna. She always pointed towards the Bible for answers. I had never met anyone who immediately looked to the Word. When I told her I was speaking, she said find your verse. Focus on that verse and how it pertains to your story.
This was new to me. I took her advice and prayed. Through prayer, God led me to 1 John 1:7, “But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.” I had walked in the dark for many years. Twenty-nine years to be exact. I finally was in the light. I didn’t have to walk around in darkness or shame anymore. Because of His blood that purified me. Yes, this was my verse.
I began preparing the rest of my talk. It was tough. I wrote down in detail what happened in college. When I read it over again, I was like, ‘there is no way I can say this.’ But God urged me to be brave. I did not look at the paper again until I gave my talk.
It was time …
Donna drove up to support me. We prayed together. I took out the yellow lined paper and read it word for word in front of 80+ women. It was like an out-of-body experience. I remember looking at the clock and realizing it was time to wrap up. Mind you, I was talking this entire time. So I closed and read the verse again. I now needed to have fellowship with others. I challenged the women to be transparent, taking off the mask. This is vital in my Christian walk. I need to be in fellowship and surrounded by other Christians to keep me in check and love me along the way.
The healing that occurred by sharing a small part of my story was astronomical. God had taken that dark hidden spot in my heart and healed it for good. I am in the light. I thank God for His Son, who cleanses me from sin. “Be brave,” He whispers, “Be brave.”
by Anne Utterback | Jan 5, 2018 | God's Whisper
This is a continued reflection of sitting in the whale. What happens when you sit in a whale? How do you think it smells? Yep. I smell. I have been sitting. During this time of sitting there has been very little motivation but fear. I don’t like fear. I don’t want to admit fear. Fear is scary. Admitting fear feels humiliating. A simple definition of fear is being afraid of something or someone. In this case, I am afraid of people’s opinions of what I write. There is a myriad of thoughts that go through my head. None of which gives me comfort or peace. I need to move out of fear. I need to move out of the whale (again).
Now don’t get the wrong idea here. I have faced and kicked fear’s butt numerous times. But this time is hard for me. It may seem simple to others, but it is scary for me. But I will tell you, I do not like to smell. Smelling stinky is the worst. I have deodorant in my office drawer just so I don’t smell. Being smelly offends people, all people. You can walk by someone and get a whiff and it can blow you over. You can even identify people by their scent. It is a very powerful thing.
Smells can take you back to a moment …
The smell of mom’s baking on Christmas morning, the donut smell from dad’s car, or the smell of fresh cut grass. Then there are the smells that do not emit a happy emotion. One in particular is when a bowl of cereal spilled on the carpet. I can still smell the milk and sugar in the carpet. Trying to clean it up still haunts me.
Fear smells like insecurity for me. Simple definition of insecurity – uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence. I have this when it comes to writing. I think this is why God has challenged me to write. He wants to grow me, getting rid of all my fears, and to be solely dependent on Him.
Psalm 25:1-2a “O Lord, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God!” I become dependent on Him by trusting Him in all things. This includes the hard things, the smelly things, the easy things, and the fearful things. So I relent and trust. I let go of fear and wash off the smell.
I think of a quote by Dr Seuss, “Everything stinks till it’s finished.” It is time to finish. I begin typing and writing one letter at a time, one word at a time, one sentence at a time and one blog at a time.
by Anne Utterback | Apr 8, 2017 | God's Whisper
So many thoughts, what to do …
I am really evaluating my parenting skills right now. It is a Saturday. One of my few days off. I have no obligations today. I have avoided writing for months. This has caused a fight within. When I begin to have this inner battle, I become unmotivated. I also create excuses as to why I am unmotivated. Then I begin to rationalize all the other things that I should be doing instead of what I should do to create momentum, which leads me to choices.
My house needs to be cleaned. Now it is not a disaster. The house gets a weekly cleaning and today is the day that this usually happens. Laundry has begun to pile up. I love to bake, and some tasty treats are always a welcomed sight. I should get a few more chapters done on my bible study. My desk needs some attention, papers filed, mail opened, pay some bills, etc. I could look over my boys’ schoolwork because I homeschool. Groceries would be good. These are some of the responsibilities that are keeping me from writing.
Parenting choices …
Then I encounter my parenting choices. My boys have been playing Minecraft all morning, seriously all morning. Do I allow them to keep playing on a computer rotting their minds and getting zero physical activity? They are not fighting. I get total quiet. My husband is at the flip-house beginning the demo process. So I really have a quiet house right now. The only real disturbances are Winnie’s occasional odor and my inner turmoil.
I spent some time on facebook. Then I begin to read and see all the amazing parenting moments of others. I think to myself, ‘am I failing?’ I could take a picture and write out a comment to gain sympathy or encouragement from others. Then some might use a passive-aggressive statement that feels like judgement and ridicule. I could possibly get some high-fives that say I deserve to take some time for myself. Others would scroll on by without finishing the first sentence. These are all opinions, just opinions. Not one of them is right or wrong. I spend so much time wasted on opinion.
So, today I am unsure what is going to get accomplished …
But I know this, I sat and wrote a blog. I finally took some time and put my thoughts on ‘paper’. I am constantly analyzing everything. My bestie said to me the other day that she would not want to be inside my head. What she said was not hurtful in any way. We laughed. She is right. God created me to think. I look at things from a different perspective, and it is not always the correct one, just different.
He has wired us all differently. He is pushing me. I am resisting. It really is futile. I am the one that is going to miss out. The day that I meet Him face-to-face, He will look at me with complete adoration and love. He will ask how I spent my time. What am I going to say? Netflix, Facebook, keeping my house super tidy, analyzing everything and solving nothing?
What do I choose?
Today I have choices. Today I choose to allow my boys some freedom. My house may or may not be sparkling. I might bake something or go to the local market instead. We may not have our favorite jeans clean for tomorrow. Because today I choose to walk the path that God is calling me to. I keep jumping off. He keeps calling. Today I choose to answer.
