by Anne Utterback | Mar 27, 2023 | Blogging, God's Whisper, Life
3 clear statements that God said to me to start the year: You are dearly loved, Stop hiding, and You’re going to be alright. These were very profound and I desperately needed to hear them. Why? Well I published my first book Retrain Your Brain: Make God the Conductor of Your Train of Thoughts in September 2021 (book). I began writing another book and was about 75% done with the rough draft. Then in August 2022 my husband of 22 years moved out. This was a huge surprise.
Get my thinking on the right track
I began questioning everything: what had I missed, were we going to reconcile or divorce, what about the kids, I have no business writing, etc. My emotions were all over the place. I needed some peace. I know the only true place to get peace is from God. So many times I would be thinking all the crazy thoughts and would see my book on the shelf. I knew that I needed to get my thinking back on track.
Therefore, I picked up my book and reminded myself of all the lessons God had given me. In turn, I was able to open my heart to listen. God was preparing me to hear these 3 clear statements. However the focus of this post is the beginning of the second one: Stop hiding. This is how I first began to strip away the veil I had been hiding behind.
I believe that one of the reasons God had me write this book was to help others. In the process it also allowed healing from years of wrong and negative thinking. However I had no idea that it would also be for future me. Working at a church we begin each year with a week of prayer and fasting. It was going to be a tough and emotional week. Several friends began praying for me. Most people did not know about the separation. So I was quietly struggling during the work week. My heart needed to hear from God but I was afraid of what I might hear.
Opening my heart to what God wanted to say
Every afternoon we have an open mic where you can share what God is telling you. However, I was avoiding it like the plague. Then on Wednesday we have an open chair prayer session. During this time there are empty chairs placed around the auditorium and you sit in the chair and ask for prayer. People will gather around and pray for you. Again, no way was I getting in that chair. I told one of my very good friends this. She simply looked at me and said, “I don’t want to sit in the chair either but I am going to out of obedience to God.”
Yep, the words that I needed to hear. I sat in the chair and asked the people around me to pray for my marriage as my husband had moved out. After the prayer session we had a discussion of lament, then were tasked with extending the lament on our own for the afternoon. Instead of sharing in the afternoon we would start the morning with open mic. I went home and continued the lament exercise, praying and asking God if he wanted me to share and what would that be. The following lament is from my journal:
The lament
Jan 11, 2023
God what do you want me to share?
I’m tired and weary. Most of you know that my dad has cancer. I drove the boys to Colorado over the New Year to say their “good-byes”.
What most of you don’t know is that Scott, my husband, moved out in August. The past few months have been a struggle. I was not sure what this week would bring – lots of tears – that I knew. But I want to thank the few of you who have been praying for me. I get out of bed and put clothes on, walk out the door because of your prayers – and of course by the grace of God.
I know I have not always been at my best and my joy has faded. But through this week God gave me 3 simple sentences: You are dearly loved, Stop hiding, and You’re going to be alright.
I’m letting go of the guilt and shame that I have been carrying. I will stop hiding. So I ask for prayer – prayer for me, my husband, my boys, and my marriage, our family. God can do anything. And the more prayers the better. I know regardless of the outcome that I am dearly loved and going to be alright. Plus I’m going to go jump in the pool. I have learned through the losses of family and friends that life feels shorter and shorter. God delights in us delighting in Him and His creation.
Stepping into his calling of stop hiding
Thursday morning I walked up to the mic, journal in hand. I never read the words again after I wrote them. There would be no way that I would be obedient to what God wanted me to say. It would be a different version of what I felt comfortable saying. I began speaking with a little shake in my voice as I was holding back tears. I did not read the journal but I know that God spoke through me that day.
Many people approached me afterwards. Some said they would be praying, others thanked me for sharing and being vulnerable, and some had no idea that this had happened. The best affirmation was when a friend told me that there were a couple of people in the room that were going through a similar situation. They needed to hear that they were not alone. There was no shame in separation.
I began to write a new book. A book on what it is like to go through a separation – what is working and isn’t working. I am bringing a voice to a quiet occurrence that is happening more and more. I pray that more marriages can be restored. And in turn, the divorce rate goes down. God values marriage. And we should too. Sometimes we need to separate to see more clearly. We are on month 7. I still don’t like it. I still struggle. But I am not done fighting for my family.
God gave me 3 clear statements to start the year: You are dearly loved, Stop hiding, and You’re going to be alright. I know that I am loved and will be alright. Therefore, this gives me the courage to stop hiding, share with others, and bring voice where others are afraid to speak.
by Anne Utterback | Oct 27, 2019 | Blogging, God's Whisper, Life
Gaining courage to be brave and get out of the whale …
God whispered – write. He was calling me to a new venture. Therefore, I tried on numerous occasions to start a blog. I am not a blog follower, so not really sure what I was doing. I also have a tendency to compare and would spend hours, days and months researching and then never start because it would never be good enough. But this time I have found the courage to be brave and write.
I have been compared to Jonah, since I have a tendency to run from God’s calling. Jonah sat in the whale for three days because he ran from God’s instruction. I have felt God tell me over and over to write. But I have chosen on numerous occasions to run and in turn sit in the whale. Here are some negatives from sitting in a whale 1) it is very lonely, therefore I spiral into bizarre scenarios in my mind, 2) I begin to stink. No one wants to get real close to a smelly person, 3) I am not obeying God and therefore, stop growing spiritually.
It is very lonely, therefore I spiral into bizarre scenarios in my mind
Sitting alone and brain chaos begins. Do you ever create imaginary fantasy conversations in your head? I am really good at this. Sometimes so good that I wonder if I could write a fiction novel. But then I get distracted, and begin going down another rabbit trail of bizarre scenarios. It’s like my head is a jungle and there is a monkey jumping from tree to tree. The trees represent all the randomness of life. This is not a healthy space.
I begin to stink. No one wants to get real close to a smelly person
Imagine sitting in a whale for three days. Uggghhh the smell. Pungent from the 16th century means “very painful or distressing”. This is how I imagine myself smelling. It’s like Pepe Le Pew from Looney Tunes. Nobody wanted to hang out near him. The green wave of stench followed him and preceded him. That’s powerful. God is wanting me to attract people fro His glory, not repulse them.
I am not obeying God and therefore, stop growing spiritually
When I step away from what God is calling me to do, I tend to avoid reading the bible. Growing spiritually is difficult when I am void of His word. All of these things – creating bizarre scenarios, being smelly and not obeying – are all trials.
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
I choose to obey His calling. If I sit in a whale and sulk like a child, I will remain the same. And as time goes by, I realize that sitting in a whale is hard and uncomfortable and I desperately want a change. So I find courage to be brave and get out of the whale.
by Anne Utterback | Nov 24, 2018 | God's Whisper
Sometimes God takes us on a new adventure that we feel completely unprepared for. He calls us to jump. He says trust Me. God has a new adventure for me and my family. Initially I felt very unprepared, but as I began to pray and ask God for His peace, will and guidance; I began to see things differently.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6
Finding peace in the new adventure …
Trust in the Lord with all your heart …
Once I began to put my trust in Him and listen, I drove our neighborhood and looked at everything with a new set of eyes. God was preparing my heart to say good-bye. This preparation took months. Consequently, I am thankful that He gave me this time and that I listened to His call. The call for something new, something amazing, something that could only come from Him. He was desiring me to let go. I had to let go of the comfort of what I knew, familiarity. My heart began to long for new community. My current ‘home’ and community of friends have been a blessing, but God was asking me to expand it to a new area.
Then Moses said, “If you don’t personally go with us, don’t make us leave this place. Exodus 33:15
I do not want to go where He is not. His leading, not my own desires. God has opened doors that I never knew existed.
Do not depend on your own understanding …
We can destroy ourselves by trying to control everything. God is asking me to step outside of my comfort zone. Get off the couch of complacency and push myself to do what He has prepared me for. I will be in the new location without my husband for a period of time, an unknown period of time. This is slightly unnerving.
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Yes, this is the reminder I need.
Seek His will in all you do …
Looking for God’s direction in everything does not come natural. But when I do, I feel most at peace. If I had my way, I would continue to sit, play a game app on my phone, watch Netflix and Amazon Prime. I am pretty sure this is not His will for me. I read the bible and realize that God has much more for me than wasting my time wasting time.
And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. Romans 8:30
He has called me to something greater. I am positive, He has done the same with you.
And He will show which path to take …
Reading His Word continues to show the correct path to take. This path is unknown to me. I have not walked it before. There is an end, but I cannot see it. I am not sure of where it leads or what lies ahead. But I will walk this path with assurance because I know He has laid it out for me. If I am not immersed in the bible, I lose my way. I find myself off the path and sitting on the park bench watching. If I sit and watch, I will miss what God has in store.
Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. Psalm 119:105
The new adventure is here. I jumped. What adventure are you on? Is there an adventure that you are avoiding? I would love to hear your stories. Feel free to email them to me
anne.m.utterback@gmail.com.
by Anne Utterback | Jun 15, 2018 | God's Whisper, Leadership, Life
Once again I find myself being a student. My job is changing. I have had many jobs in life. I wouldn’t call any of them a career. They have all felt like jobs. I think because I never felt like, this is it. This is what I am going to do the rest of my life.
I was having some frustration trying to navigate working closely with new people. I was leaving the building and walking to my car. The thoughts that entered my head – ‘I can’t do this. This is not the task for me. I can’t make this work. God, why have you put me here?’ I needed to learn something new, to grow my abilities and to just be better. To do this, I need to be a good student.
Instruct the wise, and they will be even wiser. Teach the righteous and they will learn even more. Proverbs 9:9
It says to be wiser and learn more. Regardless of how wise or righteous we think we are, we can become wiser and learn more. I have lots to learn. I mean a lot. There are times I need to take a step back and humble myself to listen. Open my ears to hear what others are trying to teach me. Now is one of these times.
Being willing to listen…
Listening can be difficult. There are times when we want our voice to be heard. In today’s culture silence has truly become golden. There are voices constantly shouting. Trying to decipher through all the opinions and thoughts can get overwhelming. But listening does not equate to agreement. One must be silent in order to listen.
Being willing to change…
I enjoy change. I move my furniture, change my bedroom location and create new reading spaces. Change causes some people anxiety. There are many reasons for this. I googled ‘change and anxiety’ and got 243,000,000 results. So yes, people are struggling with change. I think people also add to the struggle because they get complacent. God is calling us to be more like Him. When we refuse, we cannot become the new creation He desires.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17
Being willing to do the work…
I went to my job the next day with a better attitude, a skip in my step and excited. I was learning and ready to become a new student, a good student.
Whatever work you do, do it with all your heart. Do it for the Lord and not for men. Colossians 3:23
The verse says to work with all your heart for the Lord and not for people. When I took my focus off pleasing the masses, the work was joyful. I was truly learning.
What has God asked you to learn that is new or maybe scares you? Are you being challenged to be a student? Be encouraged, He will walk alongside you. He doesn’t call you unless He wants you there.
by Anne Utterback | Jun 12, 2018 | Blogging, God's Whisper, Life, Marriage
There are things, lies, that replay in my head, unfortunately some are not positive. I need to change this. This is not the way God wants us to live. He sees us as amazing humans that He created for a purpose.
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10
This verse should be on the forefront not the negative lies I tell myself. I want to reveal these lies and call them, so they no longer have a hold on me.
Lie #1 – You are not loved.
This one gets loud when I withdraw. I don’t always withdraw for negative reasons. Sometimes I try to get organized or I have a project at work that needs my extra time and attention. I then get tired and just want to veg or rest. So, my family respects my wishes, but then I start the scenario of thinking they are happy without me, they don’t need or want me around.
I begin to create fantasy conversations of how my husband would rather be with someone older, younger, smarter, prettier and so on. Really just someone different so therefore he doesn’t love me. Why would he love me? I have nothing to offer, contribute little financially, get angry over silly things, don’t want to cook every night, and never make him breakfast or lunch during the week. No one would even notice if I walked out the door and never returned. This is a ginormous lie!
Lie #2 – You are not good enough.
I have a math degree. I am smart but, yet I feel inadequate when it comes to writing. Doing research and reading on all kinds of topics is a passion. And yet feel that I have nothing to add. That I am not worthy of being a leader. I like leading. I feel comfortable in leadership positions. Yet I feel unworthy. Just not enough. I am constantly beating myself up on whether I am educating my children right. Did I fail them by not putting them in sports? A multitude of little lies that wear me down.
Lie #3 – You are not physically attractive.
I have gained some weight since we got married. I hate my hair. Since having children, one child gave me partially curly hair with random thickness. My hair takes forever to grow since the second child. We also live in a very cloudy grey area, so my hair has gotten darker. It needs sun. My teeth have never been straight. Brown spots started showing up on my face in my 20’s. However, there is no interest in coloring my hair or buying beauty products that cost a lot of money in hopes they might work. I really think this is a waste of time and money. I believe in the natural look as well as my husband. And yet, I don’t feel like I measure up. I look around and think I can’t even compete. So why do I compare myself to others?
These are all lies.
I know that I am loved, am good enough and physically attractive. I must fight the lies by shouting the truth louder than the lies. It is a battle. But this is one that I am determined to win. I find when we think of ourselves in a negative light all the time it can be as detrimental as being overly confident. Why? Because I am focusing on me, whether positively or negatively. When my focus is on me, my focus is wrong. My eyes will be turned to God and God alone. He loves me, knows I am amazing and created me beautifully.
O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. Psalm 139:1-2
I love this. This is the reminder of God’s love that I need to turn to. Here is where my focus will go. God examines our entire being. He knows me and you through and through, and yet His love grows deeper and wider. He knows these thoughts, these lies. God speaks truth and love.
by Anne Utterback | May 19, 2018 | Blogging, God's Whisper, Life
The wait can be difficult. There are various times that we must wait – in line at the store or office, test results from the doctor or school, and prayer for family or friends. Each of these usually take a different amount of ‘wait’ time, yet they still hold weight in the wait.
I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word, I put my hope. Psalm 130:5
Wait in line …
There are times when we just don’t want to wait. We run into the store to grab a few items and then pick the wrong line. I see the frustration on people’s faces and hear the heavy sighs of waiting for the doctor. DMV … We have all been there. It is inevitable that we must wait. So why not have a good attitude while we do it. I have come across many a grumpy person in line. We all have bad days, we all have struggles, our minds are preoccupied with the strains and stresses of life. Do we really need to allow our stresses to become other people’s irritants? Also, let’s think of the cashiers, do they deserve our garbage? It goes back to the golden rule.
“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.” Matthew 7:12
Oh, to have the essence of God, to bask in His essence. I go back to this verse over and over. There are times when I fail. We will always fail, but the point is to recognize, ask for forgiveness and try again.
Wait for test results …
Test results can create all kinds of anxiety, from a simple high school math exam to the results from a doctor exam. This type of wait may take a little longer to get through, but we can persevere. I have had to wait on these kinds of results. Not much fun, but it has strengthened my dependence on God.
He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:2
Many times, in scripture it states that God is our rock and fortress. Remember, when we put our dependence on Him, He guards us. Regardless of the test results, remember this verse. It doesn’t say that He will be your rock if … No, He will always be your rock. The verse also says, ‘He alone’. No one else can give you the peace from positive or negative results. Turn to Him in all circumstances, He is unwavering in His strength and guidance.
Wait during prayer …
Prayer is vital, but remember that we may not receive the desired answers. There are times when we pray for days, weeks, or years. Jesus says to keep asking.
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7
Jesus wants us to ask. He wants us to talk to freely and openly, giving all our requests to Him. We may not get the answer we want, but we will receive the answer we need. He has our best interests in mind, always.
Be encouraged, waiting on God will take patience and fortitude. However, if we continue to be grateful by treating others the way we want to be treated, depending on God as our rock, and continually seeking Him in pray, then He will guide us in our wait.
