by Anne Utterback | Blogging, God's Whisper, Life
The stumbling blocks I put in my path stem from pride.
I stumble, also known as sin. I sin. There are too many to list here, and I am not sure my heart could take reading the entire list. Truthfully, my pride would not be able to take it. However, God uses gentle reminders and His word to guide me to the truth. This reminds me of a verse:
“Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble” 1 John 2:10.
As I keep rereading the verse, I stop to listen. The last part is what keeps ringing true in my life. How many times have I stumbled? Many, many times and if I am stumbling, then I am not fully in the light. It amazes me how quickly I can get engulfed with darkness. Dwelling on past moments of stumbling, replaying conversations, and prideful thinking are a few.
Dwelling on past moments of stumbling …
When I sit and allow my mind to go towards past moments of sin, I slowly get entangled in the dark. Thinking of past hurts keep me from walking on God’s lighted path. Looking backwards, I am no longer able to look ahead. Therefore, I stumble again and again. Learning from the past is beneficial, but the key is to learn, then move on and not repeat. This leads to my next stumbling block.
Replaying conversations …
Along with dwelling on past moments are replaying the conversations that coincide. I cannot change the past but I will waste countless hours thinking about it. How does this accomplish anything? It doesn’t, however letting go and reading the Word will reveal truth. Romans 15:4 is a perfect illustration.
Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled. Romans 15:4
Learning from the Scripture gives me hope.
Prideful thinking …
As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, I have struggled with pride. The moment I repented and acknowledged God for who He is, my eyes were unveiled. At the root of my stumbling blocks was pride. Pride had taken a hold of my life. Pride can be positive but not so in my case. It created fear in me. The fear of being wrong. Yes, how silly it sounds. But the emotion behind it was intense for me. My face would get red. I felt defeated.
Once I began seeing how pride had interwoven into my hurts and brokenness, I could see the destruction it had caused. I began to say “I’m sorry” and “I am wrong”. Simple phrases and yet healing for me and others. My relationships became better, more meaningful.
God the healer …
Of course I would like to say that it has been stumble-free since the moment I gave my life and heart to God, but that is not the case. God is constantly working and revealing sins in my life, some are obvious but others are harbored way down deep. I had created bitter roots and black spots in my heart. These sins cause me to stumble but with God’s love I am able to acknowledge the sin and ask for His forgiveness. I don’t sit and dwell like I used to, I change my thought pattern quicker, and I continue to let go of pride.
Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise. Proverbs 13:10
I would rather be wise than right. By right, I mean think my opinion is the best. There is nothing wise about that or right for that matter. Therefore, I will continue to read the Word and align my heart to His.
How are you stumbling?
by Anne Utterback | Blogging, God's Whisper, Life
The challenge – writing 500 words for 30 days. I want to finish strong. And yet, I have learned several unexpected things about myself during this challenge. I wasn’t expecting any life change. I was just trying to write, to make it a habit. However, the lessons have been a beautiful surprise.
Challenge lesson #1 – Knowing I am on the right path …
I felt that God has challenged me to write for many years. He has also given me a passion for teaching. I was a math teacher and have home schooled my boys since kindergarten. The desire to constantly learn and study has been part of me since I was young. Through this challenge God has renewed that desire and passion. He calls me to study the Bible and learn from it then pass that along to others. Word studies on Bible verses stir my soul. They are reminders to me how I am to live my life. My life for Him. I write for Him, not for me.
Challenge Lesson #4 – I am not a morning person, at least not yet …
I read time and time again that getting up early before others allows one to get so much more done in the day. I tried. I tried for several days in a row. I have my alarm set for 6:45 am to get ready for work. I needed to set my alarm for 5:30 am to have time to write. I also love my morning coffee. What better way to start the day then to sit quietly with my coffee and computer. I tried. I really did. But I just stared into the abyss the first morning.
The next morning, I finally was able to get some words down. I literally wrote all the random thoughts down that bounced around in my head. The third day I did much better and wrote something logical. The fourth day I quit. I can’t remember if I had a head ache or what was going on, but I didn’t get up. I eventually just shut off that 5:45 am alarm. I now write after 9:00 pm. It might not be ideal, however in my current situation, it is working.
Challenge lesson #3 – Momentum and ideas and ideas …
I can now sit down and begin typing within minutes. Sometimes I would use the prompts given to help spur the writing process, but I have found that I can go without. I have begun to really dig into my day and life. When I am lacking anything from my personal life, I do word studies on Bible verses. I can easily complete 500 words with one verse. I get on my bible app on my phone and look up the daily verses. I have e-sword on my computer, so it makes doing the study simple. Then I relate it to my life whether from the past, present or future.
Challenge lesson #4 – Unprecedented growth and encouragement …
The time I have spent searching my soul has given me courage. I am learning to be brave. Reading and studying the Word has drawn me closer to God and when I am closer to God; I am closer to others. My relationships are better, more fruitful. I am kinder. I begin to bear the fruit of the spirit. My words are seasoned with salt. My light shines. The light that God has placed within because of Jesus. People like me better. I don’t smell of fear and fish …
Unexpected lessons …
I am thankful for this challenge. It had unexpected lessons, but I learned to persevere through tiredness, blank computer screens, no inspiration, and constant editing. I know this is the right path, to study the Word, teach others with encouragement, persevere, and to be brave.
by Anne Utterback | Blogging, God's Whisper, Life, Marriage
I have the ability to be at ease and sleep well, as long as my husband is laying next to me. Even when he snores and I have to wear my earplugs. However, a few years ago I was put to the test.
Scott was going to be gone for a month on a mission trip and he added a little site seeing time as well. He had been gone before, but this was his longest trip. Also, I was going to be home by myself with our two boys for the entire time. I usually would coordinate my trips to see my family with his. This made the time go by faster and it was much easier to be apart.
But this time it was in May and I was working full-time. I was not able to get away. It was the 2nd or 3rd night and I was laying in our king size bed alone. I couldn’t sleep. Every noise would, my eyes opened and ears perked up. I would then create scenarios as to what was creating this unusual sound. I would slowly get up. Tip-toe around the house. Locate this new strange noise. Only to discover it was not new or strange. Crawl back in bed and repeat. I knew I wouldn’t be able to function this way for long, especially with on no sleep. I would start to get grumpy.
Then I heard God speak to me, “Annie, who protects you?”
“You do.” I responded.
He replied, “I am the One who protects you. There will be a time when Scott is not going to be there. But I will always be there. I am your all in all. I am your protector.”
He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. Psalm 23:2
I slept great. There have been nights when I need to remind myself of that moment. The doubts start to creep in. The fear can be overwhelming, but God is there.
I also began to think about how many years I lived alone. I slept before I met Scott. There are times when we put unrealistic expectations on our spouses. They are not God. They are not going to fix everything. When we put godly expectations on humans, they disappoint us. Does this mean ‘bad things’ will never happen? No. But what I do know is that God is my Protector. He is in control always. He is not surprised by anything.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. Psalm 23:4
We say how great our faith is, yet we don’t sleep at night? Really? Do we not see the contradiction? I am guessing that most people slept before they were married? Just a guess, so why has it suddenly changed? Yes, there are moments that can create worry: job, living in a bad neighborhood, people have gone crazy, kids not at home, watching the news, waiting for test results, finances, etc.
“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew 6:34
Worry adds an entirely new twist to sleeplessness. This was about fear and conquering that fear when my husband is not home. But don’t worry, I will discuss worry another day …
Can you sleep when your spouse is not home? Do they work nights? Are they frequent travelers? Get some sleep beautiful. God’s got you! He is the Protector.
by Anne Utterback | God's Whisper, Life
Less than …
I was recently told that when I talk to people, my friends, that my conversation is not as important as my husband’s because he talks business. Later it was explained that him talking business meant opportunity and money. My conversation was just that, conversation. My husband was important; I was not. In my head I thought, I will not be treated as Less Than.
I have value …
I have value. God has called me to be an encouragement to people, especially women. He has given me a passion for truth in love, challenging people to align their lives with the Word of God. Using my life as examples of what not to do and what I have learned along the journey. I have many different life experiences. Many of my experiences are not great, they do not invoke inspiration, nor would they win any amazing awards. However, my stories do involve pride issues, embarrassment and failure. These types of stories are relatable to people. I have an innate ability to relate to most people. God has given me life experiences to be used to relate, to communicate and to add value to other.
Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. Ephesians 4:15
The more I speak the truth and add value to others, the more I grow in Christ.
Money does not equal success …
Monetary means does not equate to success. I do not make money for my ‘business’. But living out my purpose pays much more than money. To truly understand this, one must understand God. God blesses me with peace and joy. There are times when I struggle with truth in my life. I want to point the blame to others or justify my actions and words. But then my peace and joy start to diminish. I begin to search for value in the world. I cannot maintain my peace and joy if my eyes turn from Jesus.
Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7
This is not a post about money being evil. I believe that you can amass great wealth and be in line with God. There are many examples in the Bible – Job, Solomon, and David to name a few. I am simply saying that I am not less than because I make less money than my husband.
Equal significance in marriage …
Moms and dads have equal worth in a marriage. Dad should not get more respect and mom should not be treated with more snuggles and love. The man and woman should be treated equally by the children. Both should be loved, both should be respected, and no one should be the favorite. It goes back to treat people how you want to be treated. Do you want to be a favorite? Remember, when you are a favorite that means someone else is treated less than. How would you feel if you were the less favorite? I bet you would quickly change your mind on picking a favorite if you truly stopped and put yourself in the ‘less than’ shoes. No one wants to be picked last, forgotten about, or be the afterthought.
And remember that the heavenly Father to whom you pray has no favorites. He will judge or reward you according to what you do. So you must live in reverent fear of him during your time here as “temporary residents. 1 Peter 1:17
God has no favorites. Do you?
I have value. Money does not equal success. Moms and dads have equal worth in marriage. These are the 3 reasons why I will not be less than. God has blessed me with a passion to teach His Word to others through my life experiences and my truth which comes from Jesus. I look to Him for guidance and my next steps, not from the world. I am not better than but equal to others. Do you feel ‘less than’? I can assure you that you are not. Take time to pray and ask God to reveal places where you feel ‘less than’ and allow Him to heal you.
by Anne Utterback | God's Whisper, Life
I told myself that I would not wind up on the beach again, but I have. I think the best way to get on the road to recovery is admit it. So here I am admitting that I have been hiding from writing. I keep coming up with the same excuses.
I have a headache …
I really do get headaches, lots of them. I also suffer from migraines. Lately, I have been able to keep the migraine at bay, however, the downside is I have a headache for 3 days. I can either be in bed, in pain for at least a day or be able to function but be tired and medicated. It really is a toss-up. In reality though, I can still type and write, but I don’t. This is pure laziness.
Proverbs 19:15 – Laziness brings on deep sleep, and the shiftless man goes hungry.
I find that when I have a moment of laziness; it breeds more laziness. This verse is a great reminder of how true that is. I will get to the root of my headaches but until then, I need to remember this verse. I will not ‘sleep’ through life.
Life is busy …
Life is busy, but not that busy! When I take time to really think about how I spend my day, I could have carved out at least 2 or more hours. How do I know this? The amount of time it takes to watch a show or movie with my family is typically 2 hours.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 – There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
Now this verse states that there is a time for everything, but I am not sure that Solomon was talking about binge watching Netflix or playing Sugar Smash on his smart phone. These are my time wasters. Ugh. It’s so sad to write and read that. The truth shall set me free! Oh and let’s not forget social media …
I just don’t want to …
This is really the bottom line. I will come up with every excuse to not do what I should be doing. When I go about my day in my strength, not acknowledging God, this is what tends to happen. The time is wasted. Tasks are mediocre. I feel tired. I am drained. I have nothing to give at home.
Psalm 143:10 – Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
In the commentary it says – “Asking God to restructure our priorities awakens our minds and stirs our wills.” My priorities are off when I leave God out. I need to constantly surrender my life and day to Him. He knows the plans, the best plans for me.
I am getting off the beach of laziness and excuses. I am going where He wants me to go. My mind is filled with words that need to be written, stories that need to be shared, blogs that need to be posted, and books that need to be published. I love the beach, just not this one. The beach of laziness and excuses is not one of beauty but of regret. I am leaving this beach behind.
Do you have a beach of laziness and excuses? Not everyone does. But if you said yes, what does it look like? Calling it out is the first step in recovery. After all, we are in this together!
by Anne Utterback | Life
Star Wars, the beginning …
I was unaware of how to create a sith lord, but I did. I decided to buy my husband the original Star Wars DVD set for Christmas. The movies are epic. Levi was maybe 3 years old at the time. We let him watch the movies. Little did I know I was creating a Star Wars fan for life.
He became obsessed. I was hoping for a true jedi master but instead I got a sith lord. He dressed himself in all black with hints of red. He scoured the house and car for loose change. The all empowering light saber was his goal! Of course it had to be red. Over a bowl of cheerios I could feel his stare, hand extended, desperately trying to force me into pouring more grape juice in his sippy cup. I stared him down and in my best Yoda voice which sounds more like Kermit the frog, I said, “No! Try not! Do or do not, there is no try.”
The sulk was deep. Shoulders slumped. Dragging his light saber behind him he went into his lair to plot revenge. A battle strategy was strewn all over the floor. It was a sea of legos, knights, and ninja turtles. I couldn’t tell which century we were in. The losses were massive. Wounded creatures everywhere. Sitting triumphantly amongst the wreckage was Darth Leviticus nodding his head. He had a plan.
Prepare the battle station …
I prepared my own battle station. I could hear Master Yoda, “Wars not make one great.” Oh Yoda, do I retreat and hideaway on another planet? How can I reach my son, Darth Leviticus? I know there is still good in him, I can feel it!
I could hear his footsteps, the light saber humming. The battle was about to commence in the family room.
Darth Leviticus stands tall at about 3 feet, and he says, “If you are not with me, then you’re my enemy.”
“Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.” I reply.
“The Jedi turned against me! Don’t you turn against me too!”
“Oh Levi, I have not. I love you. What is really the problem?” I could see the turmoil in his eyes.
“I want more grape juice!” He shouts in pure frustration.
“Seriously, that’s all you wanted? Why didn’t you just ask me? Oh, and the answer is no. You get one cup a juice a day but I will gladly get you some milk, even chocolate.”
The light saber is dropped. As fast as his legs can carry him, he snatches his sippy cup and hands it to me. His little face lights up as I shake it up to ensure the mixture of chocolate and milk. He crawls up on his chair. I place a couple of animal cookies on the table. He smiles and says thank you as he shoves two in his mouth.
The turn-around?
I was able to avert disaster today. I knew there was good in him. As I stand in awe of my wisdom, Levi gets down and runs to play. I tell him to wash his hands first. He turns slowly, head tilted down, eyes seering into my brain, hand begins to extend out, no words are uttered, no words need to be uttered. I know. I have awakened the darth lord within. It’s time to prepare the battle station.
by Anne Utterback | God's Whisper
Studying some parables …
I have been researching and writing a study on the Book of Mark which contains parables. This was my first study into one of the gospels. Not the first time I studied the gospels, but my first time writing the study. It is a completely different experience. God throws many challenges at me during these times of study, and I always come out stronger. The ‘during’ part can be a bit frustrating at times. He drives me to find the truth within me not just His Word. It is a painful pruning experience and sometimes I look a little tattered in the process. Have you looked at a rose bush that has been pruned? It can look scraggly and unhealthy to the untrained eye.
God’s best work …
This is when God does some of His best work. Right now I am looking bare, sick and worn by a storm. But I am not. I know at the end I will be stronger. Right now I have started Chapter 4. This chapter is filled with Parables. I have not been a fan of Parables. I want a list of do’s and don’t’s please. Not a story about seed, lamps, soil and more seed. It is filled with a lot of red too. Red means Jesus is talking…in Parables. He is challenging me. The first Parable is of the four soils. Verse 4:20 “Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop – thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown.”
That’s what I want, to produce a crop for Jesus. I must however soften my heart to allow the seed to grow. I need to constantly cultivate my heart to keep it as good soil. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes constant care. In Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Guard your heart to ensure that is remains good soil. Don’t harden your heart with bitterness, regret, anger and sin. Keep it pliable.
So how am I going to keep it pliable?
I am reading the one year bible this year. However I am not current. It is Jan 12. I am behind already. But, I am learning, studying, and praying. I want to be good soil. It doesn’t just happen, at least not for me. I sin. I am lazy. But I also repent. I forgive. I extend grace and receive grace. God is doing amazing work. I know looking around the world and reading social media aka the news, it looks pretty drab. But God is in control. Allow Him to guide you in keeping your heart good soil, so you can produce a crop for Jesus.
by Anne Utterback | God's Whisper
Not an actress …
I recently had to memorize a skit as the ‘credible host’ for our children’s mid-week fun night. I was able to remember the key points and the gist of the rest. There was a lot of improvisation going on. Brutal. I was not comfortable. It wasn’t being on stage, using a microphone (that is a hurdle I have finally jumped over) or being in the spotlight or that all the other actors did an amazing job. I am not an actress. It is simple.
I cannot become another character. I have tried to cover my hurts, hang-ups, embarrassments and anything that would damage my pride with masks for years, since childhood. Pretending all was good, I could handle anything, no worries. This was not true. There have been so many hurts that all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and hide. Hide for days. I apparently became really good at it. Then one day it changed. I couldn’t do it anymore, no more hiding. I wanted to be free. Being honest with my experiences and feelings began to be my new anthem.
A new discovery …
This new discovery for me was difficult for others. I was beginning to share these hurts that I had hidden for so long. It took people off guard. It was uncomfortable for them. They didn’t want to hear the truth behind the hurt. The truth was too real. I had been living the truth for a long time. I still live with the truth, but it’s different now. It doesn’t define me.
When I began healing and shedding light on the dark areas of my past hurts, a beautiful transformation began to happen. I wasn’t afraid to go out at night alone. The shades were pulled open. I not only unlocked my windows but allowed fresh air in. It was amazing.
When people ask about my past, there are times I share some of the hurts. I see the discomfort in them. The looks on their faces are all too telling. I can share without much emotion. It’s not because it wasn’t painful; it is because there is freedom. So yes I am no actress but I am free. Free to be honest and to walk without a mask.
Psalm 119:45, “I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments.” I find my identity in God, not in people’s opinions. There are times that I fail at this. There are times when I feel knocked down, but I do not put the mask back on. I can’t. It is uncomfortable. It no longer fits. I have outgrown the mask.
by Anne Utterback | God's Whisper
Be brave …
Being brave was not natural for me. I was more of the cautious child. I wanted to know that I could succeed before I tried. But I have learned over the years, that you will not get very far if you don’t try. Years ago I was challenged to be brave.
I had gone to a Women’s retreat reunion. The format for the next retreat would be to have the women from our church do the speaking. I volunteered. I felt a God whisper. He was whispering “be brave.” So I knew it was time to share my story or at least part of it. I had a mentor. Her name was Donna. She always pointed towards the Bible for answers. I had never met anyone who immediately looked to the Word. When I told her I was speaking, she said find your verse. Focus on that verse and how it pertains to your story.
This was new to me. I took her advice and prayed. Through prayer, God led me to 1 John 1:7, “But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.” I had walked in the dark for many years. Twenty-nine years to be exact. I finally was in the light. I didn’t have to walk around in darkness or shame anymore. Because of His blood that purified me. Yes, this was my verse.
I began preparing the rest of my talk. It was tough. I wrote down in detail what happened in college. When I read it over again, I was like, ‘there is no way I can say this.’ But God urged me to be brave. I did not look at the paper again until I gave my talk.
It was time …
Donna drove up to support me. We prayed together. I took out the yellow lined paper and read it word for word in front of 80+ women. It was like an out-of-body experience. I remember looking at the clock and realizing it was time to wrap up. Mind you, I was talking this entire time. So I closed and read the verse again. I now needed to have fellowship with others. I challenged the women to be transparent, taking off the mask. This is vital in my Christian walk. I need to be in fellowship and surrounded by other Christians to keep me in check and love me along the way.
The healing that occurred by sharing a small part of my story was astronomical. God had taken that dark hidden spot in my heart and healed it for good. I am in the light. I thank God for His Son, who cleanses me from sin. “Be brave,” He whispers, “Be brave.”
by Anne Utterback | God's Whisper
This is a continued reflection of sitting in the whale. What happens when you sit in a whale? How do you think it smells? Yep. I smell. I have been sitting. During this time of sitting there has been very little motivation but fear. I don’t like fear. I don’t want to admit fear. Fear is scary. Admitting fear feels humiliating. A simple definition of fear is being afraid of something or someone. In this case, I am afraid of people’s opinions of what I write. There is a myriad of thoughts that go through my head. None of which gives me comfort or peace. I need to move out of fear. I need to move out of the whale (again).
Now don’t get the wrong idea here. I have faced and kicked fear’s butt numerous times. But this time is hard for me. It may seem simple to others, but it is scary for me. But I will tell you, I do not like to smell. Smelling stinky is the worst. I have deodorant in my office drawer just so I don’t smell. Being smelly offends people, all people. You can walk by someone and get a whiff and it can blow you over. You can even identify people by their scent. It is a very powerful thing.
Smells can take you back to a moment …
The smell of mom’s baking on Christmas morning, the donut smell from dad’s car, or the smell of fresh cut grass. Then there are the smells that do not emit a happy emotion. One in particular is when a bowl of cereal spilled on the carpet. I can still smell the milk and sugar in the carpet. Trying to clean it up still haunts me.
Fear smells like insecurity for me. Simple definition of insecurity – uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence. I have this when it comes to writing. I think this is why God has challenged me to write. He wants to grow me, getting rid of all my fears, and to be solely dependent on Him.
Psalm 25:1-2a “O Lord, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God!” I become dependent on Him by trusting Him in all things. This includes the hard things, the smelly things, the easy things, and the fearful things. So I relent and trust. I let go of fear and wash off the smell.
I think of a quote by Dr Seuss, “Everything stinks till it’s finished.” It is time to finish. I begin typing and writing one letter at a time, one word at a time, one sentence at a time and one blog at a time.
