3 clear statements that God said to me to start the year: You are dearly loved, Stop hiding, and You’re going to be alright. These were very profound and I desperately needed to hear them. Why? Well I published my first book Retrain Your Brain: Make God the Conductor of Your Train of Thoughts in September 2021 (book). I began writing another book and was about 75% done with the rough draft. Then in August 2022 my husband of 22 years moved out. This was a huge surprise.
Get my thinking on the right track
I began questioning everything: what had I missed, were we going to reconcile or divorce, what about the kids, I have no business writing, etc. My emotions were all over the place. I needed some peace. I know the only true place to get peace is from God. So many times I would be thinking all the crazy thoughts and would see my book on the shelf. I knew that I needed to get my thinking back on track.
Therefore, I picked up my book and reminded myself of all the lessons God had given me. In turn, I was able to open my heart to listen. God was preparing me to hear these 3 clear statements. However the focus of this post is the beginning of the second one: Stop hiding. This is how I first began to strip away the veil I had been hiding behind.
I believe that one of the reasons God had me write this book was to help others. In the process it also allowed healing from years of wrong and negative thinking. However I had no idea that it would also be for future me. Working at a church we begin each year with a week of prayer and fasting. It was going to be a tough and emotional week. Several friends began praying for me. Most people did not know about the separation. So I was quietly struggling during the work week. My heart needed to hear from God but I was afraid of what I might hear.
Opening my heart to what God wanted to say
Every afternoon we have an open mic where you can share what God is telling you. However, I was avoiding it like the plague. Then on Wednesday we have an open chair prayer session. During this time there are empty chairs placed around the auditorium and you sit in the chair and ask for prayer. People will gather around and pray for you. Again, no way was I getting in that chair. I told one of my very good friends this. She simply looked at me and said, “I don’t want to sit in the chair either but I am going to out of obedience to God.”
Yep, the words that I needed to hear. I sat in the chair and asked the people around me to pray for my marriage as my husband had moved out. After the prayer session we had a discussion of lament, then were tasked with extending the lament on our own for the afternoon. Instead of sharing in the afternoon we would start the morning with open mic. I went home and continued the lament exercise, praying and asking God if he wanted me to share and what would that be. The following lament is from my journal:
The lament
Jan 11, 2023
God what do you want me to share?
I’m tired and weary. Most of you know that my dad has cancer. I drove the boys to Colorado over the New Year to say their “good-byes”.
What most of you don’t know is that Scott, my husband, moved out in August. The past few months have been a struggle. I was not sure what this week would bring – lots of tears – that I knew. But I want to thank the few of you who have been praying for me. I get out of bed and put clothes on, walk out the door because of your prayers – and of course by the grace of God.
I know I have not always been at my best and my joy has faded. But through this week God gave me 3 simple sentences: You are dearly loved, Stop hiding, and You’re going to be alright.
I’m letting go of the guilt and shame that I have been carrying. I will stop hiding. So I ask for prayer – prayer for me, my husband, my boys, and my marriage, our family. God can do anything. And the more prayers the better. I know regardless of the outcome that I am dearly loved and going to be alright. Plus I’m going to go jump in the pool. I have learned through the losses of family and friends that life feels shorter and shorter. God delights in us delighting in Him and His creation.
Stepping into his calling of stop hiding
Thursday morning I walked up to the mic, journal in hand. I never read the words again after I wrote them. There would be no way that I would be obedient to what God wanted me to say. It would be a different version of what I felt comfortable saying. I began speaking with a little shake in my voice as I was holding back tears. I did not read the journal but I know that God spoke through me that day.
Many people approached me afterwards. Some said they would be praying, others thanked me for sharing and being vulnerable, and some had no idea that this had happened. The best affirmation was when a friend told me that there were a couple of people in the room that were going through a similar situation. They needed to hear that they were not alone. There was no shame in separation.
I began to write a new book. A book on what it is like to go through a separation – what is working and isn’t working. I am bringing a voice to a quiet occurrence that is happening more and more. I pray that more marriages can be restored. And in turn, the divorce rate goes down. God values marriage. And we should too. Sometimes we need to separate to see more clearly. We are on month 7. I still don’t like it. I still struggle. But I am not done fighting for my family.
God gave me 3 clear statements to start the year: You are dearly loved, Stop hiding, and You’re going to be alright. I know that I am loved and will be alright. Therefore, this gives me the courage to stop hiding, share with others, and bring voice where others are afraid to speak.