Not an actress …
I recently had to memorize a skit as the ‘credible host’ for our children’s mid-week fun night. I was able to remember the key points and the gist of the rest. There was a lot of improvisation going on. Brutal. I was not comfortable. It wasn’t being on stage, using a microphone (that is a hurdle I have finally jumped over) or being in the spotlight or that all the other actors did an amazing job. I am not an actress. It is simple.
I cannot become another character. I have tried to cover my hurts, hang-ups, embarrassments and anything that would damage my pride with masks for years, since childhood. Pretending all was good, I could handle anything, no worries. This was not true. There have been so many hurts that all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and hide. Hide for days. I apparently became really good at it. Then one day it changed. I couldn’t do it anymore, no more hiding. I wanted to be free. Being honest with my experiences and feelings began to be my new anthem.
A new discovery …
This new discovery for me was difficult for others. I was beginning to share these hurts that I had hidden for so long. It took people off guard. It was uncomfortable for them. They didn’t want to hear the truth behind the hurt. The truth was too real. I had been living the truth for a long time. I still live with the truth, but it’s different now. It doesn’t define me.
When I began healing and shedding light on the dark areas of my past hurts, a beautiful transformation began to happen. I wasn’t afraid to go out at night alone. The shades were pulled open. I not only unlocked my windows but allowed fresh air in. It was amazing.
When people ask about my past, there are times I share some of the hurts. I see the discomfort in them. The looks on their faces are all too telling. I can share without much emotion. It’s not because it wasn’t painful; it is because there is freedom. So yes I am no actress but I am free. Free to be honest and to walk without a mask.
Psalm 119:45, “I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments.” I find my identity in God, not in people’s opinions. There are times that I fail at this. There are times when I feel knocked down, but I do not put the mask back on. I can’t. It is uncomfortable. It no longer fits. I have outgrown the mask.