So many thoughts, what to do …
I am really evaluating my parenting skills right now. It is a Saturday. One of my few days off. I have no obligations today. I have avoided writing for months. This has caused a fight within. When I begin to have this inner battle, I become unmotivated. I also create excuses as to why I am unmotivated. Then I begin to rationalize all the other things that I should be doing instead of what I should do to create momentum, which leads me to choices.
My house needs to be cleaned. Now it is not a disaster. The house gets a weekly cleaning and today is the day that this usually happens. Laundry has begun to pile up. I love to bake, and some tasty treats are always a welcomed sight. I should get a few more chapters done on my bible study. My desk needs some attention, papers filed, mail opened, pay some bills, etc. I could look over my boys’ schoolwork because I homeschool. Groceries would be good. These are some of the responsibilities that are keeping me from writing.
Parenting choices …
Then I encounter my parenting choices. My boys have been playing Minecraft all morning, seriously all morning. Do I allow them to keep playing on a computer rotting their minds and getting zero physical activity? They are not fighting. I get total quiet. My husband is at the flip-house beginning the demo process. So I really have a quiet house right now. The only real disturbances are Winnie’s occasional odor and my inner turmoil.
I spent some time on facebook. Then I begin to read and see all the amazing parenting moments of others. I think to myself, ‘am I failing?’ I could take a picture and write out a comment to gain sympathy or encouragement from others. Then some might use a passive-aggressive statement that feels like judgement and ridicule. I could possibly get some high-fives that say I deserve to take some time for myself. Others would scroll on by without finishing the first sentence. These are all opinions, just opinions. Not one of them is right or wrong. I spend so much time wasted on opinion.
So, today I am unsure what is going to get accomplished …
But I know this, I sat and wrote a blog. I finally took some time and put my thoughts on ‘paper’. I am constantly analyzing everything. My bestie said to me the other day that she would not want to be inside my head. What she said was not hurtful in any way. We laughed. She is right. God created me to think. I look at things from a different perspective, and it is not always the correct one, just different.
He has wired us all differently. He is pushing me. I am resisting. It really is futile. I am the one that is going to miss out. The day that I meet Him face-to-face, He will look at me with complete adoration and love. He will ask how I spent my time. What am I going to say? Netflix, Facebook, keeping my house super tidy, analyzing everything and solving nothing?
What do I choose?
Today I have choices. Today I choose to allow my boys some freedom. My house may or may not be sparkling. I might bake something or go to the local market instead. We may not have our favorite jeans clean for tomorrow. Because today I choose to walk the path that God is calling me to. I keep jumping off. He keeps calling. Today I choose to answer.