The best words my husband could possibly say …
“You are not a mess,” is what my husband said to me last night. I had so many feelings of emptiness. The kind of empty when I feel nothing but it becomes sadness, anger, grief, just ickyness. (Side note: I have a math degree so I will on occasion create words.) So yes, ickyness. My children asked what was wrong, but I had reached a point that there was no real answer. It was an accumulation of things. I was trying to navigate all this icky stuff on my own, but wasn’t processing. Thoughts kept going round and round. They bounced from one to the next and back again, like monkeys in trees. I had become emotionally exhausted.
Scott tucked the boys in, and I crawled into bed. He held me, snuggled me and loved me. I wept, sobbed, and tried to hold it back and stop. He said, “Don’t hold back.” He held me tighter, and I wept. It wasn’t pretty. I finally uttered the words, “Why am I such a mess?” And he spoke those beautiful words that affirmed me, “You are not a mess.” He said many other great and encouraging words but that simple sentence gave me peace. He accepted me even in the ugly and held on. Scott never questioned nor did he hesitate. He loved me.
God’s love is bigger …
I began to reflect on God’s love. There have been other times in our marriage that I desired to be held by Scott, and it didn’t happen. Of course there are a myriad of reasons but that is not the point. My reflection is that every time I feel the emptiness, God is holding on. He held me during the death of my sister Kelly, when we had to close a business, move to a new state, pending test results and career changes.
God holds on just as tight when all feels good too. He is holding on when I am laughing and feeling joy. He is holding on while I give birth, when I’m watching TV, baking cookies, cooking dinner, taking a walk, playing a game with my boys, home schooling and even when I sleep. God always has a grip on me. “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” That is His promise. Scott exemplified that promise in the earthly form to me last night. I am truly blessed. I have a God that will never leave me nor forsake me, and a husband who will walk alongside me in the journey.
… he will never leave you nor forsake you … Deuteronomy 31:8
Do you believe that you are a mess?
Let me encourage you, that you are not a mess, not even a hot mess. This phrase gets used a lot. It can be funny. But let me assure you to not hold onto that belief as an identity. We all have moments that resemble this. The every day tasks of getting kids to school, making appointments, game times, dinner, performances, grocery shopping, homework, and house cleaning can create the feeling of being a chaotic mess.
God wants you to know that you are loved. He is watching every step in the chaos and the peaceful moments.